On our way to a happy ending....

The time finally came where David would arrive in Ohio.  I was so happy to see him.  Time went by so slowly when we were apart, and I knew these 2 weeks I had with him would fly by quickly.  It was Summertime in Cleveland and we could finally go out and do normal things, unlike the past couple times he was here it was freezing outside.  The first two days we spent at home, just laying around with each other.  The girls were still in school so we got to have some alone time.  At night, we would hang out at my Mom's house or go eat sushi.  I took him to a drive-in movie theater which was fun.  We got to act like teenagers but in the front seats of the car.  There were a few days where I had to work so I'd leave the three of them home alone.  David got to experience being alone with the girls for the first time.  He had to cook them dinner and put my little one to bed.  Surprisingly, the kitchen was not set-a-flame and my kids were not injured.  When I got home, the house was always spotless and he was waiting for me in bed or on the couch.  It had been a while since I had gotten any help with these things.  Normally, my girls were alone.  Jas was old enough to babysit so I had no choice but to leave them.  There was no other adult in the house to help with the cleaning, cooking, and laundry, so it was nice to come home and lay with him, and not have to worry about what needed to get done because he had taken care of everything.  He was like a magical fairy tale husband (that was very stubborn and snored).  I honestly had never met anyone who's main goal for the day was to make me happy and put a smile on my face.  I wanted to keep him there and never let him go.

What day is our anniversary, again?....

It was kind of a debaucle but we finally set an appointment with the 'JOP' (Justice of the Peace) in Cleveland.  It was just the two of us in attendance.  We didn't need a mass of people to witness or share the moment with.  When that day actually came, we were late to our own ceremony.  We had left our marriage license at home, I guess the excitement stole our attention.  We did make it, however.  It's just a funny thing to say, that we were late to our own wedding.  The ceremony was short and sweet, and to the point -----> quick & dirty (just how I like it).  We were married in an actual courtroom, an old one completed in 1813.  The walls and ceilings were made out of wood and intricate carvings bordered the room.  There were even balconies above, where the rich and dignified could watch whatever trial was taking place.  I'm sure plenty of horrible outcomes were rendered in that courtroom, but that day there was an energy that surrounded us, and it was really special.  Afterwards, we went out to eat at my favorite restaurant.  A place called Tommy's in the Coventry district.  I loved eating there because it had something for everyone, if you were a vegan or meat-eater, I always left there happy.  We did end up having a 'family get together, wedding dinner celebration' kind of deal at a sushi buffet one night.  My kids, my mom, my sister and her husband, even my Mom's boss and his daughters came.  And of course as usual, my family laughed and carried on like we were the only people in the restaurant.  I will never forget those couple of days, where in the future, I will more than likely mix up our anniversary date.

No honeymoon, just hula....

The days following our wedding were filled with hula practices and shows.  I didn't have much time left with him and I had two shows to prepare for.  One of our practices was held at my house.  All the girls came over with their kids so we could get in a couple hours of hip shaking.  At first, they didn't want to come over.  They thought they were interrupting our newlywed time.  But it was only for a few hours, so David watched a movie in my bedroom while the rest of my house was filled with 10 kids and 6 hula dancing mommies.  The first event we had was a parade.  We were to dance behind our decorated truck while our kids threw candy from the truck bed.  Poor David was in the back, watching over the kids and candy while we danced for an hour to the same song, over and over.  I was really glad when that was over, and that night we had a giant sleepover at one of our dancer's houses.  Kids, food, and a fire pit.  David got to mingle with the other husbands and the kids got to build an air mattress fort in the living room.  We were all pretty wiped out after that.  The next event we had was at a winery.  No kids were allowed so I gladly left them at home for the night.  It was great because all of my favorite people were there, minus all the kids/plus all the wine.  Not to mention they had the best wine I had ever tasted.  I think we all went home with a bottle or two, it was so yummy.  I still have the wine David got me, I'm saving it for that special time where we can drink it together in OUR house.

Because happiness is a choice....

I didn't dwell on the fact that I had just lost a baby. Well really, I didn't lose a baby. I lost the thought of a baby. My body thought it was having a baby, and it was wrong. I bounced back pretty quickly. David and I were chatting again, trying to mend the tear I had ripped a couple months prior. The fact he took me back after what I had done showed me how much he loved me, and that this was real. Even though it happened so quickly, it was real love. Now I know some of you might say, 'well if you really loved him, you wouldn't have done that to him'. And in my defense, I know I loved him. I loved him that whole time. I was scared of it, tried to unintentionally ruin it, and run away from it. I told him I would do anything to gain his trust back. I knew it may never fully return and I really hoped it wouldn't be an issue that always came back, like herpes. But even if it did, I was okay with it. During our two week break, I didn't talk to Nick once. David gave me the opportunity to see if there was anything left between Nick and I. I didn't take that opportunity because I knew where I wanted to be. I spent too much time worrying about the fact we had only known each other for a short time and about the things I didn't know about him yet. I completely overlooked the fact he made me happy. I needed to stop being so scared or else I would lose him. At least, that's what I told myself. I chose to try and get used to being happy because I wasn't very familiar with that feeling. Not when it came to men. And to definitely not run from it....because I may miss what is supposed to be mine.

Distance changes nothing....

It takes two strong people to withstand a long distant relationship.  I do admit, it's very hard sometimes.  All I want is for him to be here so I can hug him.  I've been asked by friends, 'what kind of relationship is it if you hardly see each other?  Doesn't that make you...just penpals?'  From the outside, it does seem ridiculous.  You can't understand unless you've been in one.  I know why he can't be with me and I accept it.  I'm very proud of what he does and will support him no matter what.  If anything, the distance makes us stronger.  I have my low days where I question why I put myself through this, but it always leads to the same answer....because I love him.  Being apart for months at a time and missing each other so much creates this fire between us, and when we finally do reunite, there's an explosion.  I don't know how else to describe it, our time together is that much more valuable and shouldn't be taken for granted.  Also, I have never trusted a man this much before.  I know in my heart that he would never do anything to hurt me, that he displays the highest degree of respect for me at all times, and that he doesn't want anyone else.  And again, I'm only human so I have days where I feel insecure, where my mind wanders, where I ask why he would want me.  But it's normal, those thoughts disappear very quickly because I don't allow them to stay in my mind.  The distance can try its hardest to break us, but it changes nothing.  

Airports smell like pee....

Almost 6 weeks after my miscarriage, I got to visit David for a weekend.  It was a very much needed reunion.  We had gone through losing my pregnancy and my incident with Nick, without having seen each other since.  As with my other visit, we hardly left the hotel room.  We spent the entire weekend engulfed in one another.  I don't think we went longer than a few minutes without our skin touching somehow.  We had known each other for 6 months and were engaged for 4 of them.  And since I only got to see him every so often, most of our visits were spent in bed...and most of our deep conversations were held online.  However this visit, we got to do both.  We had deep conversations...in bed.  I really needed that missing connection with him, and I didn't realize how much I needed it until after it happened.  It made saying goodbye one million times harder.  I knew he was due for leave time, but I also knew it wouldn't be for at least another month.  I don't remember all what we talked about while we were in bed, but whatever it was, it made me realize how much I wanted to marry him.  He was coming to Ohio for two weeks as soon as his leave dates were approved, and I planned on it happening then.  So now, whenever I smell pissy public places, I think of our weekend that made me fall deeper in love with him.      

God's will....

The day had finally come when I would go to see a DR.  I was nervous, happy, excited, anxious....and nauseous, all at the same time.  I wanted to know how far along I was and if everything was going ok.  I had never been to an OB DR alone.  I was scared and disappointed that David couldn't be there.  I understood why but that feeling of sadness still came over me.  It was weird to answer the OB questions that the nurse asked. 'How many pregnancies have you had?' and 'how many children of those are alive?'.  Pregnancy 3 and Child 3.  Although this pregnancy was sort of expected, it was also unexpected...if that makes any sense.  The DR finally came in and did a pelvic exam, a vaginal exam, and then an ultrasound.  During the ultrasound, the room was silent.  I kept looking over at him to try and decipher his blank stare at the screen. 'I'm gonna need you to get dressed so we can use an ultrasound machine in another room.'  When I got to the other room, it had a machine that was the size of a wall.  I got lubed/slimed up, the room became dark, and the machine began to hum.  After 1 minute of silence, I started asking the obvious questions.  His response was, 'I don't see an 8wk old fetus so I'm gonna need you to get your blood drawn over the next few days so I can see if your pregnancy hormone levels are rising as they should be.  Also, you have a cyst on one of your ovaries that is 10cm large.  It is normal to have cysts during pregnancies but this one is oversized and is not in a good position.  It is possible that the cyst could be blocking my view to the fetus, and it is also possible that the cyst could be hurting the fetus.  If you feel any pain in your abdomen, it could be life threatening and you must go to en emergency room immediately.'  I started panicking and crying.  You don't see a fetus?  Am I not pregnant? Am I gonna die?  The DR sounded so cold when he spoke to me.  I now know that it wasn't his job to comfort me, that he was a DR and he couldn't tell me what I wanted to hear.  He left the room and I immediately looked at the nurse.  She had a caring face and spoke softly to me.  I tried to calm down while she explained, 'More than likely, there is no baby.  One never developed and your body is trying to go on with the process of feeling pregnant.  You will have to decide if you want to have a D&C or have a natural miscarriage.  Over the next few days, you will need to call at the end of the day to receive your blood count level, it should rise dramatically each day.  If it doesn't, then we know there was never a baby to begin with.'

Whosoever's will....

I called David as soon as I stepped out of the office.  It was mid-workday.  I told him everything the DR told me and he had a few questions of his own.  He asked if I needed surgery to remove the cyst and if this could be performed during my pregnancy.  A logical question, one I hadn't thought of because all of my thoughts were with my missing fetus.  I wasn't sure of the answer.  All I knew was that I needed to watch my cramps and head to an ER if it was too painful.  Within 24hrs David got the ok to take emergency leave.  He was on a plane to Cleveland and was in my bed the next day.  It was a Friday when he arrived, and my test results wouldn't be in until that Monday.  It was a long weekend for me.  I was so tired and nauseous, I slept through most of it.  It was nice to have him with me again, very bittersweet.  He was there on emergency leave, because there was something wrong with our baby.  I felt like it was my fault, like I had done something wrong.  I felt I wasn't good enough to have another child, extremely inadequate.  I was so angry and wasn't sure why I deserved this.  David mentioned that I would not have found the cyst if I had never gotten pregnant.  That there was a silver lining in this mess.  I couldn't see it that way, not at that moment.  I was readying myself for what I was deathly afraid to hear.  That my pregnancy did not progress as it should have and that I would need to prepare to miscarry.  

Man's will....

Monday morning rolled around and it was time for me to call the doctor.  I still had a small sliver of hope left, hope that my baby would miraculously start growing.  But it didn't.  My blood work showed that a baby never developed, the cells stopped multiplying, so my body was only partially pregnant.  I was so devastated and heartbroken.  I had never had any problems with my pregnancies so I was shocked and angry.  I was questioning why this had happened to me.  I really wanted a baby, and I really thought I was going to have one.  Those first few days of knowing were the hardest.  I felt empty and soulless.  And now I had to decide if I wanted a D&C or allow my body to naturally take care of it.  I went back and forth with my decision a few times.  I finally scheduled a D&C appt. for a few days later so that David could come with me.  When I got to the DR's office I found out the nurse who scheduled me for that day, didn't book an OR so my only option was to wait a week.  By then, David would be gone and I didn't want to go through the surgery without him.  I chose to wait and see what my body would do.  David did his best to comfort me, and to assure me that we could try again in the future.  Everyone tried.  But ultimately I needed space and time to deal with my grief.  The remainder of the time that David was with me, I was still nauseous and in some pain, nothing had 'naturally' happened yet.  I slept a lot.  I woke up the night before he left, to find the ring that I gave him, as well as the engraved zippo I had made for him, on my desk in my room.  I pried myself out of bed to see what was going on.  He never took his ring off so I knew there was a problem.  I had the ring and lighter in my hand and asked why it was on my desk.  He explained to me that he had gone on to my laptop and signed in to my yahoo IM.  I archived all of my messages because I liked going back to my past to read what was going on with me at that time.  David had read through all of my messages to Nick.  He said he had a feeling something wasn't right with me and that he logged on because he was curious.  He told me how much he loved me and that he didn't know what to do, all the while packing his belongings and gathering everything he had ever given me.